Debbie Paterakis

He was back from Vietnam in November of 1973, and it wasn't long after that I ran into him. We knew each other when we were kids. He was fun; he was a dancer; he was outgoing, good-looking. I was drinking at the time myself, and it was party, party, party. We both woke up one day, hung over as hell, and he said, "Let's get married today." I said okay. We partied for two days.

Bob never talked about Vietnam. Only in our arguments, when he was drunk, he would say, "I've killed better men than you." I thought it was just drunk talk, but when it was brought up in his PTSD group years later, he showed me pictures from his file. He said, "See those two guys on the ground. I shot them." Then I realized he wasn't joking.

For twenty years, he was walking around with that stuff in his head. I don't know if he was trying to be strong, but he never showed weakness to me. Maybe he wanted to protect me. Maybe he thought I wouldn't understand.



Gradually his drinking became worse. In 1984, his work told him to go to a treatment center for thirty days or be fired. I committed myself to a treatment center too because he said we couldn't stay together if I didn't. Bob stayed clean, except for once-and except for the medication the V.A. put him on. I never had another drink until after he died.

Then on June 5, 1987, his son Adam died. He was seventeen years old and he drowned in a swimming accident. I look back on it today, and thank God Bob and I had each other to hold. He went into an emotional tailspin. He knew he was messed up. That's when he said he was going to get some help from the V.A.

He had been hospitalized twice before, but after Adam died, he was in and out of the V.A. so often I lost count. Even though the psychiatrists detected that this was posttraumatic stress disorder, they denied him benefits. The Army said they had lost his service records. "Not confirmed by evidence of record," they said. I even had to bring his snapshots from Vietnam to his PTSD group because he said they didn't believe he had even been there. Everything Bob said in those groups, I think they thought he was blowing smoke out his butt.

In 1993, Bob finally asked the governor of Wyoming to help him get his records from the army, and he got them, no trouble. They showed that Bob's story was true. After six years of appointments and papers, applications, denials, and filling him full of drugs, he finally had the evidence of record, and the V.A. sent him to Cheyenne for a PTSD evaluation. I never saw his evaluation until after his death. Why they never warned me is beyond me. This is what the report said: The patient has been in three different PTSD groups. Copies of his most recent psychological testing show significant elevation of PTSD scales, as well as depression scales.

This patient ... has suicidal ideas that occur for two months at a time, especially worsened by what he calls panic attacks. ... He jumps and startles when people surprise him from behind, and ... also has remembrances. He has three nightmares which are repetitive and says he awakens soaking wet. ... This patient has had 37 jobs since coming back from Vietnam. He says that he is unable to work. ...

This is a cooperative sad faced man who has tears in his eyes when he describes Vietnam. He has brought papers from Dr. Hackman, a Ph.D. psychologist from Sheridan and these notes written in October of 1993 say "too disturbed for the PTSD program". He is described as having been tested and having severe PTSD. That's the part I never saw, but this part I did see:

"We carefully considered your disability claim. The evidence establishes the following service-connected condition(s): Post

Traumatic Stress Syndrome-10 percent." They gave him $87 a month!